Stephanie Dale Stephanie Dale is an award-winning journalist who has undertaken two very long walks in the past few years. In 2005, Stephanie walked El Camino – the mystical road to Santiago de Compostela – and in 2007 she joined her son for the middle leg of his epic pilgrimage from Canterbury to Jerusalem. Stephanie is the author of My Pilgrim’s Heart: A woman’s journey through marriage and other foreign lands, which is the story of her pilgrimage from Rome to Istanbul. Her second book, Hymn for the Wounded Man, will be released in 2010.

Interview with the author

Six years ago Stephanie Dale sold everything she owned so she might have the time and resources she needed to write creatively.

Since then she has traveled the world and completed three books: My Pilgrim’s Heart, Hymn for the Wounded Man and The Little Black Book of Fame.

Stephanie, what on Earth possessed you to walk from Rome to Istanbul?

It’s crazy, isn’t it? These days I shake my head and laugh at the very idea. At the time it seemed like a fantastic opportunity. My son was walking from Canterbury (in England) to Jerusalem. He is the only person I know who would do something like that. So if I was going to have this kind of adventure – walking through unknown lands in the company of someone I trusted – then this was the time to do it. It’s not like he was going to turn around and do it all over again when it suited me!

My Pilgrim’s Heart is not only a traveler’s diary, it is a stimulating exploration of marriage. It has been hailed a sensation, as well as thoughtful and provocative –

The response to this book has been incredible. For some people it’s a grassroots journey through little-known and perhaps even frightening countries. These people love the geographical excursion into foreign lands, as well as the romance of walking into the unknown.

For others, the book is only about marriage. Fascinatingly, no two responses have been the same – I know of only two people who read the book I think I actually wrote. It’s an amazing dynamic to be a part of, watching others project their story onto mine.

Certainly it seems that people resonate with the material, which covers the fundamental ingredients in any marriage or intimate relationship – obligation and compromise and their intersections with sex, money and power.

What does your husband think of your book?

My husband – my former husband – is a courageous man.

The book has his blessing, even though he doesn’t understand it – because of course he has his own story about our marriage.

I was concerned about how people would receive my husband when they read the book – and I have to say the response from readers has been really intelligent.

I’ve only heard one woman say I have been disrespectful and her concern was that he wasn’t named. She had no problem with the material, but she thought he should have been named. I don’t agree. Another woman said it was as if my husband was holding up a cardboard cut-out of himself and I projected my story onto that. This sums up my intention perfectly.

This book isn’t about my husband. It’s about a woman’s experience of her marriage. It’s about what I appreciated about the dynamics of marriage and what I couldn’t cope with – either way, it’s only about me.

And this is why I find my former husband courageous – he knows this story is not personal; that it’s about all of us, the great collective We that is humanity.

How do you see your marriage now?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

These days I think of it not so much as a marriage as a collision.

Two human beings who took a leap of faith, collided in mid-air and spent two years dealing with the fallout.

I am eternally grateful for the journey, for having met a man who was willing to take that leap of faith with me. I learned so much about myself, so very much, and my life is changed forever as a result.

One woman who read the book was furious with me for not giving my marriage a better shot, for not staying longer. The reality was my husband and I were in radically different stages of our lives. My husband was retired; he longed for nothing more than peace on his verandah and the quiet, shared companionship of a woman who loved him.

When we met, I was in the middle of a delicious bubble of creativity. I loved my life, housesitting for friends all over the place while I wrote and wrote and wrote, practicing the craft of weaving stories. We married and I was dragged away from a world I loved, a world that was timeless and without boundary, where work and meals and long walks formed a sort of holy rhythm of life.

Now that I’ve returned to the world of form and industry I can see that I was furious with my husband for demanding my attention, for calling me away from this precious creative space for which I had yearned for so long when I was raising my children. I loved being there. I wrote nothing during the marriage, not until I left for Rome. There was no time! and no head space! and I found this incredibly distressing.

These days I have a lovely soft spot for my former husband and I’m thankful we were able to let each other go in peace.

Was it frightening selling everything you owned all those years ago, so you could ‘be’ a writer?

Not particularly. My children had left home. I still had half a lifetime to live. What was frightening was the thought of spending the rest of my life – which could have been 40 years! – staying home because I was bound by financial commitments.

Selling everything gave me the freedom to travel all over the world and meet life as it presented to me – the freedom to say ‘YES!’

Surprisingly, and perhaps most importantly, it also liberated me from the stories in ‘stuff’, the memories – positive and negative – that I assigned to trinkets around the house. You know how it goes, ‘so-and-so gave me that on such-and-such a day’ and ‘this reminds me of the time . . .’. These were old stories and they were in my face every day. With half a lifetime left to live I wanted new stories!

My Pilgrim’s Heart is extremely personal. How are you coping with public attention on your private world?

At first I was terrified. I wouldn’t allow anyone who was close to me to read the book until it was published. I decided either it was public property and the whole world could read it – or no-one was going to read it.

Now, it’s as I suspected. The story is no longer mine. I flick through the book these days and it’s as if I’m reading about someone else.

The book describes the view inside a distressing marriage. I’m no longer there. I don’t remember it, although I do find the view fascinating.

Some people, though, are furious with me for kicking them in their comfort zone. Others are deeply grateful that I’ve named the invisible forces that shape their lives and given them something to work with.

You have also completed a second book, Hymn for the Wounded Man. Is this also autobiographical?

No, although it is based on my hunting experiences.

A long time ago I lived for three years with a hunter in New Zealand. He taught me to hunt and I have always wanted to write about hunting from a female, vegetarian perspective.

Other than the geographical location and the beautiful spirit of the man I lived with, the story bears no relation to my life.

Do you like your books?

I love Hymn for the Wounded Man. I wanted to write a love story and this felt like an incredibly healthy thing to do after my divorce. I wanted to remember and celebrate the glory of love.

My Pilgrim’s Heart is different. It’s a journey claimed, warts and all. It’s an important book, one that’s ignited the kinds of conversations I love to hear going on around me – discussions about relationships and freedom and creating a world that enables the best of humanity to shine. And that of course starts in our own hearts and homes.

People say My Pilgrim’s Heart is an important book for our times. I think Hymn for the Wounded Man is also important, because we are at risk of isolating ourselves from the same world we demand be protected.

As for The Little Black Book of Fame, it’s a book that I hope will empower people to move beyond enemy consciousness and claim their lives.

So yes, I love my books. More than anything, I love that they exist.